Huge, ugly woman, who used to be reasonably slim (thats me all dressed ready to teach my riding class in the last pic, riding hat, boots, parka(cos it was freezing)). I was okay then. But look how fat I was later. Still am! but just not THAT big. I dont want to be fat any more. I want to be someone that people dont even notice. Instead all I get is "fat cow", "elephant", "look at that HUGE woman". I HATE it. I already hate myself, do I really need others making me hate myself more? I dont know what I have to offer this world, but it feels like I get offered hatred, ridicule, humiliation. I have no way to change other people, but maybe I can change myself a little. Can I get back to something even SLIGHTLY resembling that 16yr old who used to teach riding? Who could jump on anything with four legs and ride it? Nw I wouldn't even dare get on one of Budweisers Clydesdales, I would break its back! I want to be seen as human, not some monster. Most people dont understand that depression sometimes causes you to lose control. Sometimes of what you eat. When my depresssion is at its worst I eat ANYTHING. Even stuff that norrmally makes me sick because I hate it so much. Like tuna. Or even mushrooms, which I am allergic to. I have made myself very ill before, because I got depressed at my sisters, and she loves mushrooms. There was a basket of them, I ate them. I ended up in hospital, almost unable to breathe. Luckily, no one in my home likes mushrooms, so we dont have any here. But hopefully you understand what I am trying to say. Yes, some of this weight is my fault, because I wasn't strong enough to fight the depression, was just too weak, but the depression is SO strong sometimes that I just ant help myself.
This weightloss is hard for a couple of reasons. I still suffer badly from depression, so it isn't always easy to control my eating. The other thing is lack of money. It isn't alweays easy to buy the food I SHOULD eat, because it isn't always the cheapest of foods. Another thing is Clive, my husband, he has oesophagitis, a hiatus hernia, acid reflux, you name it, he probably has it. But it means that he can only eat certain types of food, he loves fish, and can eat that, so we have to buy fish. I dont like fish. See my problem? Clive HAS to have certain foods or he will be ill. Me putting on or taking off weight doesn't make me ill, so Clives food has precedence.
Anyway, hopefully, this blog will be my journey towards becomeing human again. Something that is not an object of ridicule and humiliation. But something with feelings, and emotions. I dont know if I can do it, but I am going to try. And maybe, with the help of my friends, I may succeed. Partially or completely I have no idea. But I want to try. Will you help me my friends? Please.
