Can I change myself enough

Another loss

2006-01-19T08:51:00.000-08:00

I feel quite good this week. I have managed to lose another 6 pounds. As I get nearer and nearer my goal, it will be harder to lose the pounds. I have to be prepared for this. I need to re-educate myself. But that doesn't help when I feel areally intence craving for a HUGE steak. And I mean HUGE!! Half a cow would suit me right now. I want steak, I need steak.

I hate Christmas

2006-01-13T05:53:00.000-08:00

Well, I put 8 pounds back on over Christmas and New Year. But a lot of that is due to the depression. When I get depressed, I eat. Dont care what it is, I eat. So now comes the fun of trying hard to lose that weight again. I am really feeling the down side of having the extra weight back on. I walked up to Highfield yesterday. I struggled to walk back. Before Christmas I could walk there and back wihtout a problem. Okay, my back would ache a little, but nothing too bad. Yesterday, I was out of breath before I even got there! And as for walking back, I thought my back was broken in two. It was so painful. I had to go lie down for a little while. And my back still aches today.

I want to get down to around 14 stone (or, for my dear American and Canadian friends, 196 pounds) As I weigh 17 stone now (14 pounds to the stone) I need to lose around 3 stone (or 42 pounds). Its not impossible, but it IS going to take a lot of work. And with my deporession getting worse again, it is going to be even harder.

Not doing bad

2005-12-28T04:43:00.000-08:00

Well. I thought I would put on a lot of weight over Christmas. Especially as I drank so much on Christmas Day. But I didn't. In fact I lost 2lb. I am really pleased. Looks like I might be dropping down another clothes size very soon. I feel good about that.

Didn't bother

2005-12-13T14:41:00.000-08:00

going to my slimming class tonight. I just felt so low, I couldn't face it. I know I should have signed on to Wendi Friesens webinar, but I couldn't manage that either.
Oh well, another week before I have to get weighed again. Maybe I can do something about my weight this week, to repair the damage I have already done.

I dread to think

2005-12-12T14:59:00.000-08:00

how much weight I have put on this week. But, I'm not going to worry about it. I lost it before, and I can do it again. I just need to re-focus, and concentrate. If I can forget about christmas for a while I will be able to do that.

I have been feeling really bloated and uncomfortable this week. Prtly due, I am sure, to eating a now unaccustonmmed amount. But I have been feeling far worse then would account for. I just hope that life will now settle and I can get back to losing weight as I would like

ARRRRRRRRGH

2005-12-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

Just weighed myself again. I have put on 3 lbs in the last two days. I am ashamed of myself. I am SO weak. All I want is to be thinner. I dont want to be waif like, or even stick thin. Just thinner! Why am I so weak I cant even do that!!!

I feel like a failure again

2005-12-10T04:30:00.000-08:00

I just ate a whole pack of Jaffa Cakes. I dont know why. I just did. More pounds climbing on. Damn.

Another comparison.

2005-12-09T15:37:00.000-08:00

Okay. 1 pic taken at least 5 yrs ago. 1 pic taken tonight. can you see a difference? I cant.

Did I get them all from here too?

2005-12-09T15:30:00.000-08:00

All the google ads? Are they all gone? Good.

Sabotaged myself again

2005-12-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

All this worrying about Tony (my brother) has had me eating anything I can get hold of. I have tried to keep myself busy, so I dont have time to eat, but I just haven't managed it. I tried sorting out my wardrobe. Getting rid of all my old clothes that are now way too big for me. Hoped it might make me feel better. But all I can do is worry about Tony. Just hope I haven't put on TOO much weight :(

This better Babs?

2005-12-08T03:49:00.000-08:00

Posted cos Babara said I wasn't smiling :)

Is there a difference?

2005-12-07T06:40:00.000-08:00

One of these pics was taken about a year ago, the other on was much more recently (like today!) Hopefully, someone can see a difference!

How it began

2005-12-07T01:30:00.000-08:00

Huge, ugly woman, who used to be reasonably slim (thats me all dressed ready to teach my riding class in the last pic, riding hat, boots, parka(cos it was freezing)). I was okay then. But look how fat I was later. Still am! but just not THAT big. I dont want to be fat any more. I want to be someone that people dont even notice. Instead all I get is "fat cow", "elephant", "look at that HUGE woman". I HATE it. I already hate myself, do I really need others making me hate myself more? I dont know what I have to offer this world, but it feels like I get offered hatred, ridicule, humiliation. I have no way to change other people, but maybe I can change myself a little. Can I get back to something even SLIGHTLY resembling that 16yr old who used to teach riding? Who could jump on anything with four legs and ride it? Nw I wouldn't even dare get on one of Budweisers Clydesdales, I would break its back! I want to be seen as human, not some monster. Most people dont understand that depression sometimes causes you to lose control. Sometimes of what you eat. When my depresssion is at its worst I eat ANYTHING. Even stuff that norrmally makes me sick because I hate it so much. Like tuna. Or even mushrooms, which I am allergic to. I have made myself very ill before, because I got depressed at my sisters, and she loves mushrooms. There was a basket of them, I ate them. I ended up in hospital, almost unable to breathe. Luckily, no one in my home likes mushrooms, so we dont have any here. But hopefully you understand what I am trying to say. Yes, some of this weight is my fault, because I wasn't strong enough to fight the depression, was just too weak, but the depression is SO strong sometimes that I just ant help myself.
This weightloss is hard for a couple of reasons. I still suffer badly from depression, so it isn't always easy to control my eating. The other thing is lack of money. It isn't alweays easy to buy the food I SHOULD eat, because it isn't always the cheapest of foods. Another thing is Clive, my husband, he has oesophagitis, a hiatus hernia, acid reflux, you name it, he probably has it. But it means that he can only eat certain types of food, he loves fish, and can eat that, so we have to buy fish. I dont like fish. See my problem? Clive HAS to have certain foods or he will be ill. Me putting on or taking off weight doesn't make me ill, so Clives food has precedence.

Anyway, hopefully, this blog will be my journey towards becomeing human again. Something that is not an object of ridicule and humiliation. But something with feelings, and emotions. I dont know if I can do it, but I am going to try. And maybe, with the help of my friends, I may succeed. Partially or completely I have no idea. But I want to try. Will you help me my friends? Please.